waking in Love

April 22, 2012

this morning i woke up in Love.
the woman in my bed
had this sexy confidence
around her rested eyes.
her skin was soft to the touch,
like the night had exfoliated her worries.

she had this peace about her,
certain that the new day
was going to shower her with blessings,
she rose and gave thanks to the Universe.

the fog was lifted.

i fell in Love with her smile;
how it rest so comfortably on her lips.

her feet were certain
that the next step was forward.
and forward was certain to receive her.

i woke up in Love
with Self, Patience and self-patience.

dug well

February 28, 2012

sometimes we are so thirsty for Love,
we will drink the illusion from an empty well.

searching for potable water
to quench our dehydrated hearts…

we drown in water-less buckets.

every Sunday, if i wake up in my home, i go to the supermarket and buy myself flowers. i’ve done it for a long time. it started as an effort for self love and care. i usually get happy flowers. sunflowers. flowers with bright colors. but i love daisies. the white ones. i think they’re the happiest flowers. they always look like they’re smiling…

this weekend, after a change in plans, i adjusted to what the Universe had brought me. somehow i felt it say, “be home. be still.”

so friday after work, i ran some errands and went home. i slept. i slept. i slept.

i slept. i woke up saturday. let the beagle out. fed the beagle. slept. watched a movie. ate. slept. watched tv. slept. had the tv watch me. let the beagle out. fed the bagle. ate. watched a movie. slept.

woke up today (Sunday), at 7am. made cafe bustelo en la greca. let the beagle out. went to the supermarket, picked up some flowers and things for the week. went home. my music of choice: old Spanish boleros. cleaned the house a-la-tu-madre sans the pañuelo on my head. i moved couches. bookcases. cleaned behind, over, under, through… washed clothes. folded clothes. ate. went to get a manicure. came home. let the beagle out. took a long hot shower. i moisturized. gave myself a calf massage. allowed myself to take care of She who is most important in my life, Me.

some of us are natural givers. add to that society’s constant reminder to “do unto others” or “help your neighbor.” yes these should always be a part of our life. still, we must learn how to return to us and give ourselves the very things we give others: our time, our energy, our love…

we need to dedicate time to ourselves to replenish and rejuvenate our mind, body and soul. it is in this moment where you gain greater strength of heart. in this time with self, you listen to the message silence has to share. you listen to the message on being alone. it is this very act of self Love that you can find your real strength.

it easy to find strength for others, but can you be strong for your Self?

Self Love and Care is the best way to strengthen the core of you. that very place you pull from when you’ve got nothing left. so take a day and spend it with your Self. i promise, it’s worth it. in fact, you might just like who you get to hang out with all day… and there’s a possibility, you might fall in Love with you.

 

my love

October 21, 2011

gracias por el regalo de esta hija, que sera el maximo exponente de nuestro amor

when i was born, my father brought my mother flowers. the card read, “thank you for the gift of this daughter, who will be the maximum exponent of our love.”

growing up, we knew “got nothing” days. i have known days without a plate of food, but i have never known a day without love. in my lifetime, regardless of the circumstances, i have never missed an “i love you,” a warm embrace or some words of affection from a parent, a cousin, grandma, an aunt or uncle or a friend. i have been fortunate and blessed to always feel love (physically, emotionally and spiritually).

the following words were expressed to me “…sometimes i wonder, who is all that [love and attention] for?”

…and then i started rethinking that some friends and family, have often expressed that “[i] give love too quickly.” that i should be more “selective for my own sake.”

pero mis amores… i have no idea how to do things differently, nor do i want to.

i have no idea how to not love, if that is what i am feeling; regardless of the love (love of family, love of friends, intimate love). even as a child, those who have known me since, will tell you that i have always been the same.

i have a very difficult time being upset with those who hurt me; i forgive almost instantly. i have always been of the belief that i don’t have time for that shit. i don’t have time to hold anger so close that it doesn’t allow me to love and be loved. i don’t have time to be pissed off at the world for what it has brought me, because quite honestly, it drains me exponentially. it keeps me from evolving.

………..

then my brain goes haywire. is there some truth to the idea that perhaps i do “love too quickly?” too intensely? is it possible that repetitive love becomes obsolete? that it almost becomes “habit” if it is something i express with ease? and if i am questioning all this, there has to be a message for me.

could it be that perhaps my parents’ love, in some pre-hogwarts-era-way cursed me?

(forgive me for rambling reader, i am literally writing this out).
Besos, Felo 15-5-78

is it that, like my mother has told me so many times, “the majority of people in this world are not ready for your love, mi hija.” or does she say that to make me feel somewhat “normal” in my expressive ways? or my biggest fear, is it that perhaps, i don’t really know what love is because somehow it has some sort of rules of engagement that i have not followed?

i don’t know how to not express sentiments and feelings. i don’t know how to hold back and be reserved and not tell someone what i am feeling because i feel as though i will literally implode.

and i don’t do it because, i have to —as my uncle says, “i ain’t gotta’ do nuttin’ but be puertorican and die. 

…………

the repetitive act of my sweetness (be it words or a gift), doesn’t diminish the sincerity of the sentiment.  life is too short to limit how often acts of love take place.

i am this way because quite simply… there isn’t enough love in this world. and for some reason, i have some rare “surplus” and am willing to give it with ease and without reservation because fuck, you deserve to be loved! i give love to those i make connections with along the way. and with this love came honesty… if i don’t feel it, i don’t give it.

but i don’t know any other way except love’s way.

call me a poet. an idealist. a hopeless romantic. a sappy, mushy fool. it doesn’t matter.

i will stand beside you as long as you let me. and when you don’t. i will love you from a distance. love is a compromise. come what may, you keep love and it keeps you.

this isn’t poetry.