my love

October 21, 2011

gracias por el regalo de esta hija, que sera el maximo exponente de nuestro amor

when i was born, my father brought my mother flowers. the card read, “thank you for the gift of this daughter, who will be the maximum exponent of our love.”

growing up, we knew “got nothing” days. i have known days without a plate of food, but i have never known a day without love. in my lifetime, regardless of the circumstances, i have never missed an “i love you,” a warm embrace or some words of affection from a parent, a cousin, grandma, an aunt or uncle or a friend. i have been fortunate and blessed to always feel love (physically, emotionally and spiritually).

the following words were expressed to me “…sometimes i wonder, who is all that [love and attention] for?”

…and then i started rethinking that some friends and family, have often expressed that “[i] give love too quickly.” that i should be more “selective for my own sake.”

pero mis amores… i have no idea how to do things differently, nor do i want to.

i have no idea how to not love, if that is what i am feeling; regardless of the love (love of family, love of friends, intimate love). even as a child, those who have known me since, will tell you that i have always been the same.

i have a very difficult time being upset with those who hurt me; i forgive almost instantly. i have always been of the belief that i don’t have time for that shit. i don’t have time to hold anger so close that it doesn’t allow me to love and be loved. i don’t have time to be pissed off at the world for what it has brought me, because quite honestly, it drains me exponentially. it keeps me from evolving.

………..

then my brain goes haywire. is there some truth to the idea that perhaps i do “love too quickly?” too intensely? is it possible that repetitive love becomes obsolete? that it almost becomes “habit” if it is something i express with ease? and if i am questioning all this, there has to be a message for me.

could it be that perhaps my parents’ love, in some pre-hogwarts-era-way cursed me?

(forgive me for rambling reader, i am literally writing this out).
Besos, Felo 15-5-78

is it that, like my mother has told me so many times, “the majority of people in this world are not ready for your love, mi hija.” or does she say that to make me feel somewhat “normal” in my expressive ways? or my biggest fear, is it that perhaps, i don’t really know what love is because somehow it has some sort of rules of engagement that i have not followed?

i don’t know how to not express sentiments and feelings. i don’t know how to hold back and be reserved and not tell someone what i am feeling because i feel as though i will literally implode.

and i don’t do it because, i have to —as my uncle says, “i ain’t gotta’ do nuttin’ but be puertorican and die. 

…………

the repetitive act of my sweetness (be it words or a gift), doesn’t diminish the sincerity of the sentiment.  life is too short to limit how often acts of love take place.

i am this way because quite simply… there isn’t enough love in this world. and for some reason, i have some rare “surplus” and am willing to give it with ease and without reservation because fuck, you deserve to be loved! i give love to those i make connections with along the way. and with this love came honesty… if i don’t feel it, i don’t give it.

but i don’t know any other way except love’s way.

call me a poet. an idealist. a hopeless romantic. a sappy, mushy fool. it doesn’t matter.

i will stand beside you as long as you let me. and when you don’t. i will love you from a distance. love is a compromise. come what may, you keep love and it keeps you.

this isn’t poetry.

reflection: on purpose

June 23, 2011

we seem to have this concept that we are linear beings. that, life
needs to unfold a certain way. often times, we think that by the age of eighteen
we should be graduating from high school.  go to college. make a career. find a mate. get
married. buy a house. have children. rear them. have them go through the same
“checklist,” throw a couple of vacations in there. spend time with
family. have a retirement party. sell the house. move to a warmer place. enjoy
an old healthy age filled with grandkids and die (we hope peacefully).

how limited we become when we decide to look at ourselves in light
of this check list. and how sad when we begin to compare ourselves to others
and where they are in life.

i don’t believe we are linear beings at all. and i refuse to
compare myself to anyone BUT myself because i will not disrespect my process or my
counterparts. take for example children who at the age of
five are beyond the “set kindergarten” level.  parameters, that i believe, are set by a
system that limits our full potential. who are we to limit the growth of a
person based on their age? and conversely, who are we to push someone who takes
a little longer (for whatever reasons)?  we cannot stifle the growth of an individual
any more than we can rush it. everyone has a pace in life: their pace. not to
be dictated by parameters because we are NOT linear beings.

we see it all the time. people who do not find their mate ’til
later in life. forty-year-olds, now getting married for the first time who
cannot have biological children because their bodies have turned a page. do we
tell them that they’re late? that they should’ve done it earlier? how
disrespectful of us to even think that there is a set pace in life. that the
checklist needs to be done in “the order” or that it’s even everyone’s
checklist.

if you want clarity of purpose in your life you compare yourself
to no one and you simply walk. because the point is to walk. not to stand idle
waiting for purpose to come to you. you make purpose every day for your SELF.

i am 33-years-old and i have no regrets. i have no idea when everything will “fall into place.”
but i keep moving. setting small goals for my self. i have made and continue to
make significant contributions to social justice movements. my writing has
improved and i’ve been able to share my works in different places, including an
international opportunity that was one of the most rewarding experiences of my
life. i have been able to help family and friends. i have had the opportunity
to meet people who have changed my life forever. all the while continuing to
search for clarity of purpose.

i am exactly where i need to be.

i do not plan for tomorrow because it is not guaranteed. but today my direction is inward.
because it’s the only way to an honest outward.

and if tomorrow blesses me with another day of life, then i will
have a checklist in the morning, fully aware that i may not even check anything
off of it because i was simply walking inward. and that has been my greatest
purpose.

~Sarahí Yajaira, 2011 ©