sebastian no. 14

December 11, 2014

you sleep.
i stare at your face.
the sunset of your childhood
draws a shadow right above your lip
-your body is growing

i heard the pitch
of your words when we played earlier tonight.
biology is tuning the chords of your voice…
i hope you always speak from your Heart.

and as your bones stretch your body
may you grow comfortably into your skin
because you are indescribably beautiful my Love.

i hope you forgive.
especially your Self,
‘cause along the way,
you will fall.
hard.
‘spart of life.

please remember:
you will always have to live with your Self.
when alone,
make sure you’re in good company.

there is a lot of ugly hate in this world
but Love is prettier than ugly
and stronger than hate.

may the core of everything you do be
rooted in Love.

you are so much Light to the infinite power.
you are brilliance. pay attention.
stay awake.

sometimes
people are mean.
rest assured.
nothing they say is really about you.
it is,
a reflection of their journey.
send them light.

contrary to what the world
is showing you today,
Love will trump hatred.
this world is not all cruel.
Love is winning.

your Love has expanded the walls of my chest,
my heart no longer fits this body.

this world needs you to continue creating
Love everlasting.

step. wait. dance.

July 3, 2013

“La costumbre pesa mas que el Amor.”

Abuela passed away twenty-years ago. But she is such a powerful presence in my life that there are days I swear she is still here. I talk to her like a prayer. And she talks back to me like an old friend. Over the last few days two of her frequently used quotes have come up in conversations. I’ve shared them with others in an effort to summarize two very real and raw truths: First, comfort weighs more than Love. Second, no one dies on the eve.

We can get so comfortable with something/someone that we will stay in that place (regardless of how detrimental it is to our health, or how it keeps us from walking towards our Truth) because simply put, we’re comfortable. We stay put because we know it. We can navigate it because we’ve been swimming in it for so long that we have come to accept it as our truth. We are so accustomed to something/someone that we will not move from that place because, well, “I’m used to it.”

I’ve been there. Sitting in it. Forcing it, in an effort to make it what it could never be because the minute we stop doing what we Love or walking in the direction of the things we Love, we begin to resent ourselves, others and everything around us. We become stagnant. We are angry and we question the questions, and the noise in our heads doesn’t stop because we know that the only question that needs to be answered is, “What is it that I am so afraid of that I rather stand in the discomfort of my comfort zone than to step out and walk towards Love?”

If we walked away from comfort and into Love we would realize that we are brilliant! We would see our life turn in the direction we have been wanting it to turn towards but were too afraid because comfort carries weight. A weight that increases each day we choose to remain in the place that we know simply because we know it.

The moment we decide to step out of that comfort zone, the Universe calls forth a shift in our lives that resembles what I felt is a rebirth. Except this time, it wasn’t my mother pushing me out into the world… this time, I came to my own on my own. I put one foot in front of the other and stepped forward. I took a deep breath of the new air that surrounded me and cried. I cried the weight of my comfort out of me.

And after all the crying was done, I looked around and asked, “Y ahora que?”

“Nadie muere en la vispera.”

So now what? You stepped out and forward. It feels great. But what next?

It’s just one foot in front of the other. Except now, there is purpose and intent. Now you are walking in the direction of your Truth… your dreams and your goals. Now you walk with confidence. Even in the uncertainty or in the moments where you have to wait, here is the other Truth, “Nadie muere en la vispera.” Things will happen when they happen, not a second before or after.

Waiting is not standing still in one place. It doesn’t mean you stop walking, it means you walk toward your Truth gathering experiences to strengthen you for the next shift. The eve is the place where we ask, “Am I ready? and do I have what I need?” The eve is the place where nos vestimos de armadura.

Along comes the shift. The shift allows you to take the lessons of the eve into the break of dawn.

The hardest part of all of this, you have already done. Stepping out of what you know is an absolute beautifully frightening decision to make. That step, was what brought you to the shift and from the moment you committed to stepping out of your comfort zone the Universe began to shift everything in your direction.

You called forth the change.

You deserve to walk towards your Truth.

Your resolve and commitment to your Self is so powerful that any shift can only bring you peace.

The instructions are easy: step. wait. dance.

blessed birth day

February 9, 2013

blessed be the day God gave light to your eyes.
when She picked up Her finest brush
and stroked that beautiful smile above the dimple on your chin
…the Universe dipped into you.

blessed be the day
She filled your lungs with air
so that you may breathe into them, Love.

when God hugged the muscles around your bones
so that you could walk your way into my life,
the roads cleared… the journey began.

blessed be the day
your fingers stretched into the hands
that would eventually hold my heart.

that day, God gathered ‘round the string section
of Her orchestra, She composed the sweet sound of your voice
then gently dropped the beat of your heart onto a dumbek.

blessed be the day
She outlined the fall of your neck
to rest on your shoulders.
She slid the pencil down your back
and drew the very first
exclamation point!

blessed be the day
God helped your mother push
my answered prayer into this world.

i celebrate the gift of your life to this world mi Amor. wishing you health, Love and happiness in abudance.

kissing freckles

December 19, 2012

“that’s my favorite freckle,” she says,
as she turns to another of the many freckles
she’s said that to already,
leans in, and kisses it gently.. tenderly.

she’s just as hopeless a romantic as me
-“cheesy” –some choose to call it. the kind
that leaves Love notes in my wallet
or hidden in my night stand drawer.
fills my inbox with Love songs
or stories about her day.

i nap on her bed
she wakes me up with flowers.

her eyes. her smile.
remind me, that every step towards Her
was worth it. that nothing was ever a mistake.
that i am perfect. whole. and complete.

she Loves the way i Love.
accepts my perfect imperfections
and expects me to be nothing less
and nothing more than who i am.

she reminds me. i am enough.
for me. for her. for us.

she believes in me. sees the woman
i am and Loves her.
forsight.
she sees the woman
i will become and Loves her even more.

she celebrates Me.

she is fully aware of my insecurites,
the stuff i’m working on and working out.
full disclosure from the moment we met…
she has yet to flinch.

solid and grounded. she anchors me.

and i can’t wait ’til the summer,
when the sun multiplies my freckles.

This year started very nicely. I set some reasonable goals. Some I met, others I didn’t. But I was always aware that while we have plans, the Universe has others. So I am not disappointed in the ones I didn’t reach this time around or the ones I had to alter. I say this constantly, “Life is not linear.”

My health dwindled a bit but I paid attention to it quickly enough to avoid any set-backs. I started working out, eating healthier (trying to be more mindful of what I put in my body so that I may fuel it with foods that nurture it), and talk-therapy.

I dated on and off. I took on some “old behaviors” and I tried to force many parts of it into something that I have always wanted. It was never labeled. There were so many parts of it that were so uncomfortable and I didn’t voice it, say it, or express it. Instead, I pushed.

I pushed until I couldn’t anymore and realized that I wasn’t happy. Things should happen naturally, right? This certainly wasn’t. And so when I let go and finally decided to really let go (since there were several attempts), I learned so much about myself and I opened up to the Universe. I decided to wait for what I deserved; for what I was really seeking/needing/wanting in a partner –it’s amazing how quickly the Universe can turn things around for you once you get out of its way.

Along came Her. I wasn’t even looking. As a matter of fact, I was pretty much done (though my Loved ones will always tell you that I could never be done). But with confidence and certainty, I have found my twin flame. Without hesitation or reservation. Perfectamente a mi medida. Tal y como se la pedí al Universo.

I strengthened friendships. In particular three people whose lives I wanted more of in mine. I wanted more of their light. And I have found them to be so instrumental to getting through some tough days this year. Their constant support, encouragement and their way of “keeping it real” when they needed to nudge me was perfect. Friendships evolve. They morph. If they morph their way out, so be it. If they evolve into something stronger, embrace it. Either way, celebrate it.

I decided to start my journey to nursing school; to change careers entirely. I enrolled in pre-requisite courses and have been holding my own after 12-years of being out of the academic setting. If finals go as planned, I will have aced both classes this semester and have already registered for the next. I have also started applying to programs. This has been an interesting experience, especially the part where you write your personal statement. I am amazed at how much I have learned about myself along the way. Every step I have taken has brought me to this place and I am ever so blessed and thankful because even the things I labeled as “mistakes or missteps” where actually not at all. Everything is in Divine order.

This year I made the most difficult decision of my life. I had to decide to put my sweet Beagle to sleep. She was suffering from congenital heart failure. It’s no wonder to me it was her heart that gave out; there was so much LOVE in her. It has been an emotional roller coaster of days since August 31. The lessons the four-legged Love taught me where plenty. Here are a few:

  1. Find the perfect spot where the sun hits your body gently… feel its warmth on your skin.
  2. Greet people as if you haven’t seen them in years.
  3. Forgive instantly. Like NOW.
  4. Enjoy treats.
  5. Nap every day.
  6. Cuddle hard.
  7. Give unexpected kisses.
  8. Bark at the mailperson; all they do is bring bills anyway.
  9. Keep Loved ones company. Especially during difficult times.
  10. Sit in silence. Your presence speaks for itself.
  11. If you’re happy, wag your tail.
  12. Love unconditionally; without reservations, restrictions or fear.

She is always with me. I still find her hairs all over the house, the car and my clothes. But I hope to be to my friends and family, what Bailey thought of me –loyal, full of Love and fun.

I am not setting any resolutions this year. I am not setting goals. I am simply letting go of all that is not conducive to my spiritual, emotional and physical growth (that may include people folks).

I am keeping my arms wide open. Because if I simply walk with purpose and if everything I want and need I already have… then 2013 is the year to bring all of it forth.

Ashe.

arrow

November 28, 2012

the memory of
your breath
in the small of my back
arches my spine

my torso
shoots upward

a place to heal

October 8, 2012

i wish i could gather all the stars tonight
and place them around your neck,
so that they may frame
the full moon of your eyes.

i wish i could gather all the shells
in the ocean, place them around your hips
so that they may serve as wave breakers
for the ocean of worries in your days.

i wish i could gather all the mortar and stone
in the world, build you a fort that’s impenetrable.
that you may be protected always.

but i am just your Titi Feisty
and the only powers i posses are
Love and Faith…

so i ask the Universe to protect you,
to send any worries you may have to me
if only it will make that beautiful smile brighter-
your walk, a bit lighter.

you are growing up so quickly.
life has a way of speeding up the process.
and in that mile per hour highway
you are so amazing.
i marvel at your courage.
i see your patience and care with your little sister,
how you put up with your older brother’s wisecracks
and i know you are growing up beautifully.

so when the days become heavy (and they will)
bring your beautiful hands
to that place that is sacred to you.
turn to music, turn to writing
turn to express your Self in artistry
-it’s the most amazing place to heal.

i am so proud of you my little Love.
your spirit is contagious.
your laughter has the sweetest melody.

Emelyn… you are one of my six favorite songs.

lift

July 4, 2012

tired of falling
in Love.
(too many bruises)

i want to fly
in Love.
make me forget
there is ground.

fly me so high
my nose bleeds
the fears
right out of me.

i want to breathe the air
right from her soul’s lungs
until my chest expands
and her oxygen pumps
through my veins
filling the air pockets
that constrict my airways.

lift me.

i want to be gone
in her wind.
thrown into thin air.

fly in Love.

as  i have been battling lately with depresion and disconnection for some time now, i made a conscious decision to take some steps towards walking out of the “darkness” we can sometimes fall into. i started with a trip to new york city. after all, though i was born in santo domingo, dominican republic it was new york city that raised me and taught me about coming out of “darkness.”

that weekend i decided i would only visit family. i started at my cousin’s place. just me and him and the x-box. we caught up. he showed me the new sneakers he got for his son. we laughed hard as we watched a comedy show. he had to go, had a date with his wife and didn’t want to be late. i kissed and hugged him goodbye and he reminded me, “yo, yajaira remember we more than cousins. fo’ real. you my sister, ma.”

i smiled all the way to my other cousin’s house. she always has a bed for me, she says. and so bailey and i showed up, there we were met with the Love and laughter of Familia (it makes me happy that to them my canine companion is family as well and they always expect us both). we started with cafe bustelo and pan con mantequilla. it’s the perfect beginning to some of the most amazing conversations.

i saw my cousin’s granddaughter. who is wise beyond her years. though i was not surprised shem being the off-spring of my cousin. i laughed with her kids and learned about police academy and nursing. my cousin now has a part-time job with the mets to make extra income. and then my aunt showed up and the second cup of bustelo was poured.

because i have been writing my book (who is taking me on an amazing ride), i decided to ask my aunt some questions. i asked, a bit nervous to hear the response but ready because i have been wanting some answers. fully aware that some of the things i might learn will change my life forever. we talked. and she shared. and the more i knew, the more i wanted to know. i started to understand myself in a different light. i started to make connections to patterns, and behaviors and my heart started feeling lighter. and while we didn’t get to everything. we got to enough to give me time to digest and process.

then my cousin and i decided to visit more family. off we went. and we walked into our cousins’ new apartment (real estate in new york is fortune) and i felt pride. because well, we are making life better for ourselves slowly but surely. my other aunt was there and there we laughed and laughed some more and caught up on life. the good, the bad and the ugly.

the following day we went to visit another cousin. and there we did more laughing. shared some intimate stories that connected us deeper. we ate. we drank. we cried. we shared youtube videos. we laughed ’til our jaws hurt.

i drove back to ct with new york city in my rearview mirror. and said thank you to my Home. no matter how long i go without coming back, the Familia loves me like city lights love time square.

that weekend something was going on back in ct. my cousin was sick. and i headed to her place. i had never seen her like this. we were all on edge and felt helpless. nothing could be done. it needed to “ride out.” so we waited. held her hand. and trusted in each other to take care of the necessary things. we are Family.

this weekend i decided to disconnect entirely from the “matrix” (no phone. no FB. no email -with the disclaimer that my mother new where i was if she needed to find me).  i have spent time with my cousin. talked about a lot. made her laugh in the emergency room. and then we came Home. clear broth and gatorade. and i served it up with extra Love for healing. as many times as she has healed me, this pales in comparison.

she is my strength. she has been my anchor. she is Home.

Familia is Home.

returning Home is where we replenish the Soul. i am thankful to have this space and time with them. it is the perfect way to begin to walk out of the “darkness.” surrounding your Self with Familia and Love.

forsight

March 2, 2012

i wish i had a magic wand
to wave across that maurader’s map
and see if we could, just see
a clearer picture of ourselves.

i wish i had a crystal ball
that spins on an axis
and see if we could, just see
a better image of our souls.

i wish i had a deck of cards
with no jokers, all hearts
and see if we could, just see
a full house of hope.

i wish i had a time machine
that goes back into the future
and see if we could, just see
timeless Love.

i wish i had… the answer to our heart’s insecurities.