search and rescue

June 22, 2012

i spend too much time in my head
wondering when the wonder will wander over
under the icy ground below my feet

lost in the labyrinth of my fears
uncertainties greet me with the faded smile
of a memory filled with hope

where did i loose my Faith?

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expired

December 1, 2011

in the time and space
that exist in the geography
of distance

lies
a sometimes
uncanny moment
that shows the illusion
to be real

there are days
i feel you so close
i swear you never left

right

here you are
sitting in the void
i think is empty.

one is only as far away
as the heart that misses them.

so really, you’re not gone

if every beat
pounds your name
on my chest
escapes from my lips
with every word i speak
you are heavy on my tongue.

a gypsy, you come and go
traveling through my veins
with an expired passport.

my circulatory system
carries your dna

i begin to bleed you out…

so that i may let Her in.

c-section

September 22, 2011

women-health-info.comi miss my uterus.

the crib
that had the potential
to give life to another life
is gone.

its been gone
for about four years now.

still, i miss it.

they say the first organ
to develop is the heart.
i’ve always wondered what
rhythm it would’ve taken
with mine. what sound
would it have made?

i thought i’d healed
from this experience.
only to be reminded
of where i am in the process
when the questions are asked,
“do you have children?,
any potential you might be pregnant?”
(i wished they read the chart)

“no.”

i drift in thought
stare distantly
………….

wondering what i would’ve looked
like with a belly. i stand infront
of the mirror and push my belly
out as far as it can go…
hold the belly with my hands
and ask, “would she have looked
like me? what traits of mine
would she have inherited? would she
have freckles? thick dark hair? would her toes
be as long as mine? what about her voice?
what kinda’ things would she have
liked? softball? ballet? (just life’s way of laughing at me)
would she enjoy my father’s music the way i do? would she be
healthy? like to cuddle the way i do? cookies and milk?
poetry? i wonder if she’d be as patient as i am.
or as stubborn.”

my mom would’ve been crazy about her.
my dad would’ve been gentle.
my brothers would’ve been sweet… ’til she got to about five-years-old.
then they’d play these little “tricks” on her.
and my sister… well,  she’s always wanted me to make her an aunt.

adjusting the sails to the realities of life
is often times difficult.
and when you think you’re at peace
with something, one simple question
can throw you right back to
december 7, 2007.

i know that there are other ways to be a parent.
but it was the life to life process i wanted
to experience.
i wanted to feel her heart’s beat inside my body.
watch hands and legs stretch out. fingers and toes curl.
kicks and movement.

labor pains? contractions? i’d taken ’em.

i wanted to know what the soul feels
when you hold her for the first time.
that “glow” women get after giving birth
is the very light of new life shining through.

…….

but even if the questions aren’t asked,
i am reminded every time i look in the mirror
and see the scar that runs across my abdomen
like a c-section.

c for castration.
c for change of plans.

~Sarahí Yajaira, 2011

Writer’s Note:
Consider taking the time to learn about Endometriosis at www.endometriosis.org. Like many other women-only related diseases, endometriosis receives little attention and research.  The causes of the disease are all theories. And most women, including myself, end up having to have a hysterectomy (I was just 29).
I still have stage 4 endometriosis. And it can come back any time. It has affected more than just my reproductive system; compromising other organs significantly.  Start early with the females in your life; if they’re experiencing certain symptons DO NOT assume “it’s normal pains for being a female.”

*Image Copied from women-health-info.com