This year started very nicely. I set some reasonable goals. Some I met, others I didn’t. But I was always aware that while we have plans, the Universe has others. So I am not disappointed in the ones I didn’t reach this time around or the ones I had to alter. I say this constantly, “Life is not linear.”

My health dwindled a bit but I paid attention to it quickly enough to avoid any set-backs. I started working out, eating healthier (trying to be more mindful of what I put in my body so that I may fuel it with foods that nurture it), and talk-therapy.

I dated on and off. I took on some “old behaviors” and I tried to force many parts of it into something that I have always wanted. It was never labeled. There were so many parts of it that were so uncomfortable and I didn’t voice it, say it, or express it. Instead, I pushed.

I pushed until I couldn’t anymore and realized that I wasn’t happy. Things should happen naturally, right? This certainly wasn’t. And so when I let go and finally decided to really let go (since there were several attempts), I learned so much about myself and I opened up to the Universe. I decided to wait for what I deserved; for what I was really seeking/needing/wanting in a partner –it’s amazing how quickly the Universe can turn things around for you once you get out of its way.

Along came Her. I wasn’t even looking. As a matter of fact, I was pretty much done (though my Loved ones will always tell you that I could never be done). But with confidence and certainty, I have found my twin flame. Without hesitation or reservation. Perfectamente a mi medida. Tal y como se la pedí al Universo.

I strengthened friendships. In particular three people whose lives I wanted more of in mine. I wanted more of their light. And I have found them to be so instrumental to getting through some tough days this year. Their constant support, encouragement and their way of “keeping it real” when they needed to nudge me was perfect. Friendships evolve. They morph. If they morph their way out, so be it. If they evolve into something stronger, embrace it. Either way, celebrate it.

I decided to start my journey to nursing school; to change careers entirely. I enrolled in pre-requisite courses and have been holding my own after 12-years of being out of the academic setting. If finals go as planned, I will have aced both classes this semester and have already registered for the next. I have also started applying to programs. This has been an interesting experience, especially the part where you write your personal statement. I am amazed at how much I have learned about myself along the way. Every step I have taken has brought me to this place and I am ever so blessed and thankful because even the things I labeled as “mistakes or missteps” where actually not at all. Everything is in Divine order.

This year I made the most difficult decision of my life. I had to decide to put my sweet Beagle to sleep. She was suffering from congenital heart failure. It’s no wonder to me it was her heart that gave out; there was so much LOVE in her. It has been an emotional roller coaster of days since August 31. The lessons the four-legged Love taught me where plenty. Here are a few:

  1. Find the perfect spot where the sun hits your body gently… feel its warmth on your skin.
  2. Greet people as if you haven’t seen them in years.
  3. Forgive instantly. Like NOW.
  4. Enjoy treats.
  5. Nap every day.
  6. Cuddle hard.
  7. Give unexpected kisses.
  8. Bark at the mailperson; all they do is bring bills anyway.
  9. Keep Loved ones company. Especially during difficult times.
  10. Sit in silence. Your presence speaks for itself.
  11. If you’re happy, wag your tail.
  12. Love unconditionally; without reservations, restrictions or fear.

She is always with me. I still find her hairs all over the house, the car and my clothes. But I hope to be to my friends and family, what Bailey thought of me –loyal, full of Love and fun.

I am not setting any resolutions this year. I am not setting goals. I am simply letting go of all that is not conducive to my spiritual, emotional and physical growth (that may include people folks).

I am keeping my arms wide open. Because if I simply walk with purpose and if everything I want and need I already have… then 2013 is the year to bring all of it forth.

Ashe.

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if i am Light

June 25, 2012

i am not here today.
come to think of it, i wasn’t here yesterday either.
not quite sure where i am.
but i’ve been missing my self as of late.

tears sit at the edge of my eyes
they fear the fall
so they hold on to my lashes
until they find their way back into
the pockets of my pupils
my vision drowns

i sit in silence
wanting to hear the message
this moment has for me
i am deafened by its screams

i used to be so full of life and energy
i used to believe in Love more than i believed in gods
i was unstoppable the world was mine to conquer

but time and life have changed that
and i am left to gather from the experiences
to emerge with new wisdom
and a fresh vision

because if i am Light
then i cannot be extinguished

if i am Light
then i must burn

loss and gain

i have not lost.

not if i can see what i gained
in the defeat.

***

hold

i held on so tight to the pain,
refusing to let go

because that was all that i had left of you.

***

walk

today, i placed one foot
in front of the other

and started walking towards me.

shadow & light

March 10, 2012

seeking clarity
i dive into the darkness
of my Self.

i find my way to the vastness
of these empty doubts.
the air is filled with worry.
i inhale deeply…
my lungs exhausted.

i breathe you in
like oxygen,
like you’re good for me.

i cannot recall a time without you
in my life. you’re like an appendage:
my arms. my legs…
but you have no function
except to make me heavy.
and sad. and disconnected.

i have to find a way out.

loneliness,
i am letting you go today…

so that i may emerge
out of this darkness.

this inner light is too bright
for you to keep dimmed in your shadow.

you must go now.

i had a meeting with a life coach last week. it was nothing like what i was expecting. but i will write about that at some other point. i want to share part of the homework i was given -or as she called it “soul work.”

the assignment was to write every day for ten minutes from the flow consciousness of little Sarahí (five-years-old to be exact). i couldn’t edit. i couldn’t go back and move anything. it was just ten minutes of non-stop writing as if little Sarahí had been given a crayon and told to go at the walls with confidence.

i’ve always been a good student. so i did my assignments. though i don’t have to submit it. this was just for me. this was tough. a lot harder than i thought. i mean, i am a writer. it’s what i do when i am not working for that job that pays the rent. so i thought this would be “simple.”

so i wrote. and i cried. and i wrote some more. and i cried. i was angry. i laughed. a lot. recalling and reliving moments that reminded me that i had a horrific and beautiful fifth year. and i laughed. and cried.

if we can look at a part of our life for ten minutes and put ourselves in that exact moment, you can savor bitter sweet events. you can smell the air of the times. hear the sounds like classics. you can see smiles. faces. clothes colors. but the only thing you can’t do is touch.

i couldn’t touch little Sarahí. that was the most difficult part of this assignment. i couldn’t hold her. i wanted to hug her. to tell her that everything would be so much different at thirty-three. that the moment was just a moment. but i couldn’t. and the truth is the moment isn’t just a moment. because little Sarahí remains a five-year-old in that time and space for an eternity.

so instead i did what i always do to heal… i wrote to her:

Dear Little Sarahí,

I am sorry that the first thing you think about in this five-year-old moment is that day. I am sorry you carry it in your backpack like it was essential for your walk. None of it was your fault. Not a single part. Let it go little Love. Set your Self free.

I wish you could see your brightness.

Your spirit shines much brighter than the darkness of that day. I wish you knew that when you walk into a room, darkness dissipates. What a beautiful brilliant child you are! Abuela always told you that your light would win the world over; she’s right. It’s your “golden ticket.”

Remember sunny days. Randall’s Island. Night pool. Handball. Softball. Best cousins ever. Church. Sleepovahs’. Central Park. Third Ave. Summers with Manny and David. Dinners with abuela. Christmas. Great Adventure. Action Park. Pigtails. Bofi. Castle Greyskull… surely these days weigh so much more than that day.

You have an amazing ability to recall so much and you will use it when you get older to heal and tell your story. But keep smiling and shining. You are so much light to the infinite power.

Love,
Big Sarahí

it is difficult to forgive a time and space you didn’t have control of. it is even more difficult when you feel at fault for that something. but to begin the healing process we must first give the event light, forgive the Self for being hard on the Self, and then let it go. often times we hold on to something so hard, we think it’s holding on to us. we think it’s holding us hostage. when the reality is, we’ve been holding it hostage.

there’s a freedom in freeing your Self from yourself.

…and so begins my process.

expired

December 1, 2011

in the time and space
that exist in the geography
of distance

lies
a sometimes
uncanny moment
that shows the illusion
to be real

there are days
i feel you so close
i swear you never left

right

here you are
sitting in the void
i think is empty.

one is only as far away
as the heart that misses them.

so really, you’re not gone

if every beat
pounds your name
on my chest
escapes from my lips
with every word i speak
you are heavy on my tongue.

a gypsy, you come and go
traveling through my veins
with an expired passport.

my circulatory system
carries your dna

i begin to bleed you out…

so that i may let Her in.

sentence

October 17, 2011

there was a crime
committed against you.
so horrible, its got you thinking
you are guilty.

you’ve locked yourself up
in a prison of silence.

don’t sentence yourself
to life behind fears.

i will stand here
until you realize
you are free.

and then,
…we can walk out together.

~Sarahí Yajaira, 2011

let go

October 14, 2011

my wish for you
is that you let go
of the pen you keep
writing with.

it bleeds hate and anger.

~Sarahí Yajaira, 2011

may i

October 5, 2011

may i let go
of all that keeps me.

may i learn
to sit still
with all that is
unanswered.

may i find
peace within
faith without.

~Sarahí Yajaira, 2011

catching fears

October 5, 2011

silence
is the sound of fear.

how does one let go
of those experiences
that build walls
to keep us safe?

the hurt
lasts longer
when we allow it to
keep us from embracing
a new blessing.

i am learning to listen
to silence. i am also learning
keep quiet. to let myself be
guided by more than words.

gently and quietly,
She slips her unspoken Love
into my pillow case.

…and every night
a dream catches
fears and i hear
the walls cracking.

~Sarahí Yajaira, 2011