matters of the heart

October 30, 2013

tomorrow i get to go the cardiologist. something is happening with my heart. they’ve been running some tests. the ECG showed that my heart is “working twice as hard.” i’m not even sure what that means. i mean, everyone’s heart should work twice as hard given the global state of affairs. but i guess for these purposes, my resting heart rate is too high and dangerous.

i’m in a very intense accelerated nursing program. when i write very intense, i mean to tell you that it’s a program unlike anything else i’ve ever imagined. i mean to tell you that even with a master’s degree (that sits in a closet space somewhere), this has been the most challenging academic experience of my life. it feels like i was dropped of in the middle of a foreign country, where i don’t understand the language, the culture, the geography… and i must learn to navigate. quickly.

so i work. hard. and i sleep. little. and i cry. today i cried… i’m still crying. because i want my heart to be ok. i want school to be ok. i don’t just want to get through this, i want to thrive through this. i hold high expectations of myself (sometimes to the point of self sabotage; which is never healthy).

and for the most part the only ones who “get this” are the amazing thirty-seven brilliant souls i get to walk this journey with. all of whom are dealing with life and its side bars.

there is something to be said about going through a very intense part of your life (academically, professionally or otherwise), adding to the mix your daily living experiences and then the surprise element of “oh shit” (insert any possible thing you were not expecting).

how is it that we do it?

how do we survive when the challenges amount to an almost unbearable point? to that point where you say, “it. is. not. fair.” sometimes even to the point where you question whether the decision you made to answer the call was the right one. the moment you commit to walking in your truth, you can be certain that life will happen exponentially.

i am realizing this: i am here because i am.

i am here because this is exactly where i need to be. in this moment, with these challenges and questions. with these fears and doubts. i am here.

i am an electrical impulse. i am blood and oxygen delivery. i am rhythm and beat.

know that you will take on challenges and challenges will take on you. but if you really want to reach the goal(s) you set, you must accept what the cardiac world calls, “regular irregular.”

allow yourself to experience the fullness of every unexpected moment. it is in the unexpected that we stretch and strengthen the muscle of our core.

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reflection: the art of me

October 20, 2011

i received two emails from two dear friends exactly one week apart from each other.

the first one wrote,”I’ve been crazy busy but wanted to let you know I read your work and I like how you are developing. You have lovely sentiments and great energy. Please keep that.”

the second one wrote, “why aren’t you publishing your work and giving motivational speeches? you have A LOT of potential.”

i have received five rejection letters from publishers this year. and the only reason i haven’t received more is because i stopped submitting during my illness to focus on healing. i don’t mind the rejection. it puts me that much closer to my goal.

most importantly, the publishing isn’t an indicator of my art’s worth. the worth is in the art of me.

what is the art of me? the ability to write and share, open and honestly, the things most are afraid to speak about: fears, injustices, set backs, missed opportunities, mistakes made once (twice), pain, love, family…

i write because it allows me to heal in places where fresh air doesn’t blow to scab wounds. i write because in writing i let go of the things that hold on to me. i write to share a joy that my heart cannot contain. i write because in writing i defend and protect the innocent. i write because it is my weapon of mass reconstruction. i rebuild the broken pieces of me in every word i write down that speaks to my truth.

so, yes… i will continue to write to improve the skill. but the art of me is perfectly flawed. and yes, i will be published not because it will give worth to my work but because my work has that much worth.

~Sarahí Yajaira, 2011

Writer’s Note: To all the artists out there, continue to paint, sculpt, sing, write, dye, speak words, do your thing. Your ultimate goal will come to life because you give it life.