This year started very nicely. I set some reasonable goals. Some I met, others I didn’t. But I was always aware that while we have plans, the Universe has others. So I am not disappointed in the ones I didn’t reach this time around or the ones I had to alter. I say this constantly, “Life is not linear.”

My health dwindled a bit but I paid attention to it quickly enough to avoid any set-backs. I started working out, eating healthier (trying to be more mindful of what I put in my body so that I may fuel it with foods that nurture it), and talk-therapy.

I dated on and off. I took on some “old behaviors” and I tried to force many parts of it into something that I have always wanted. It was never labeled. There were so many parts of it that were so uncomfortable and I didn’t voice it, say it, or express it. Instead, I pushed.

I pushed until I couldn’t anymore and realized that I wasn’t happy. Things should happen naturally, right? This certainly wasn’t. And so when I let go and finally decided to really let go (since there were several attempts), I learned so much about myself and I opened up to the Universe. I decided to wait for what I deserved; for what I was really seeking/needing/wanting in a partner –it’s amazing how quickly the Universe can turn things around for you once you get out of its way.

Along came Her. I wasn’t even looking. As a matter of fact, I was pretty much done (though my Loved ones will always tell you that I could never be done). But with confidence and certainty, I have found my twin flame. Without hesitation or reservation. Perfectamente a mi medida. Tal y como se la pedí al Universo.

I strengthened friendships. In particular three people whose lives I wanted more of in mine. I wanted more of their light. And I have found them to be so instrumental to getting through some tough days this year. Their constant support, encouragement and their way of “keeping it real” when they needed to nudge me was perfect. Friendships evolve. They morph. If they morph their way out, so be it. If they evolve into something stronger, embrace it. Either way, celebrate it.

I decided to start my journey to nursing school; to change careers entirely. I enrolled in pre-requisite courses and have been holding my own after 12-years of being out of the academic setting. If finals go as planned, I will have aced both classes this semester and have already registered for the next. I have also started applying to programs. This has been an interesting experience, especially the part where you write your personal statement. I am amazed at how much I have learned about myself along the way. Every step I have taken has brought me to this place and I am ever so blessed and thankful because even the things I labeled as “mistakes or missteps” where actually not at all. Everything is in Divine order.

This year I made the most difficult decision of my life. I had to decide to put my sweet Beagle to sleep. She was suffering from congenital heart failure. It’s no wonder to me it was her heart that gave out; there was so much LOVE in her. It has been an emotional roller coaster of days since August 31. The lessons the four-legged Love taught me where plenty. Here are a few:

  1. Find the perfect spot where the sun hits your body gently… feel its warmth on your skin.
  2. Greet people as if you haven’t seen them in years.
  3. Forgive instantly. Like NOW.
  4. Enjoy treats.
  5. Nap every day.
  6. Cuddle hard.
  7. Give unexpected kisses.
  8. Bark at the mailperson; all they do is bring bills anyway.
  9. Keep Loved ones company. Especially during difficult times.
  10. Sit in silence. Your presence speaks for itself.
  11. If you’re happy, wag your tail.
  12. Love unconditionally; without reservations, restrictions or fear.

She is always with me. I still find her hairs all over the house, the car and my clothes. But I hope to be to my friends and family, what Bailey thought of me –loyal, full of Love and fun.

I am not setting any resolutions this year. I am not setting goals. I am simply letting go of all that is not conducive to my spiritual, emotional and physical growth (that may include people folks).

I am keeping my arms wide open. Because if I simply walk with purpose and if everything I want and need I already have… then 2013 is the year to bring all of it forth.

Ashe.

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carmen

November 9, 2012

…y de la nada, te apareces.

like houdini, poof!

you just show up.
via email.

“hey, how you doing? how’s life? love?”

tal vez no entiendes. que esta no es la relación
que quiero contigo. pues para tener una amistad
se necesitan dos.

one should be available to the other.
at any time. no en secreto como si fuera
lo nuestro un pecado que lleve pena de muerte.

that’s what relationships are, no?
un toma y coge. a give and take.
an, i got yo’ back. estoy aquí pa’ cuando sea.

asi que, cuando quieras una amistad sincera,
show it. y no en un marrrrdito email
que luego borras para que no sepan que aun
te comunicas conmigo.

y no, esto no es poesía.
it’s a direct message to you.
yo estoy vieja ya,
to be playing hide-and-seek.

you dishonor the memory
of the relationship
y me insultas.

a tu “intento” le falta
corazón y coráje.

reflection: connection

November 15, 2011

this past weekend was perhaps one of the most amazing weekends of my life.

my saturday started with a workshop that i was facilitating.  i’ve been giving a series of workshops at work for the past three months.  the relationships that have developed from these are absolutely beautiful. connecting with people that i would otherwise not have the opportunity to meet and getting to know them, their struggles, their stories and how they continue to move forward is uplifting and has allowed me to view my own struggles and grow stronger because of each of them.

lesson learned: we grow stronger in our collective struggles.

i headed to boston, to visit my sister, meet up with an old love who is visiting from DR  and then get together with new friends.

time with my sister is always a great time. i consider her one of the funniest people in my life. when i am with her my cheeks and abdomen hurt after just one hour. she has beautiful energy. she has a way to make me feel at peace.

lesson learned: her smile makes me feel at home.

i drove, nervously to her.  i didn’t know what to expect when i saw her. my heart was racing a faster as i got closer to our meeting place. i saw her. we hugged for what seemed to be hours. i felt no anger. no fear. no resentment. the only thing i could feel was our love: tender and true. her arms, her scent and her love wrapped around me like caribbean sun on palm trees.

lesson learned: undoubtedly, where true Love exist, regardless of what took place, the moment you come together, the only thing you feel is all that was beautiful about the relationship.

i headed to meet up with some friends. and with them i went to another place where i met an absolutely amazing group of new friends. it is inspiring to meet people and instantly connect. their energies, their spirits, their laughter… you’d think we all knew each other for years. our conversations went from intense to nonsense. we laughed so hard, inhalers had to come out. there were counseling sessions in the kitchen and dance-offs in the living room. games that taught us a little more about each other and had us talking about the next time we’d come together.

lesson learned: spiritual connections are still taking place.

the weekend just kept bringing me back to connections: lifelong ones, old ones and new ones.

when connections are made in their most honest form, we are guaranteed a lifetime of spiritual energy and renewal.

She

September 14, 2011

she’s not a carpenter
but she’s building me up.

never used brushes,
but she paints my heart
a green shade of hope…
slowly and perfectly.

serves dinner onto plates
filled with laughter.
plays connect the dots
with my freckles,
drawing out her touch…

i get feverish.
my skin burns
out fears.

her silence
tells me to rest
worries.
as we breath
in and out
and Up.

moves me
to stillness…

She has a way
to find ways.

~Sarahí Yajaira. 2011