unlearn fears

March 7, 2017

when your Mami told me we were pregnant, i went down on my knees. my legs couldn’t support my body’s newfound emotions. i cried. i cried hard. i cried for the 28-other months that i held her while she cried after we read another negative result. i cried for the 28-other months that we either walked into a sterile exam room or met up with Doddie, filled with all the hope of creating a family on our terms. sometimes in the middle of work weeks we’d drive into the city and back on the same day, days in a row, just to try again. i cried for the over thirty injections i gave Mami every night for two-weeks (her abdomen filled with puncture bruises -i tried my best to be the most gentle nurse). i cried for the day we went in for egg retrieval and i sat in the waiting room alone, sending positive energies and calling you forth. i cried for the day when they did the embryo transfer but i was hospitalized the night before and wasn’t able to be there. i cried for the day, ten-years ago when i had a hysterectomy and said farewell to you from my own womb. but i cried mostly because Mami’s heart broke so many times before the day we finally received the good news. i was overwhelmed that the Happiness of You had finally come to heal our broken hearts.

and just as quickly, fear settled in.

how do i unlearn almost 39-years of learned fears? of doctrine and dogma? how can i make sure that i don’t teach you this? will i be a good parent? how can i make sure that you won’t hate anyone? especially me? will lack of biology affect our relationship? will you be bullied at school because you have two moms? will my family see you as one of us? will their religion get in the way of seeing you in all of your beauty? will they see us as a family? and why do i even care about what others think?

the layers run deep.

on december of 2007, Mamá had a hysterectomy. i still remember that day clearly. your Mami and i had not yet met. i seriously thought that the reason i was unable to have my own children was a direct result of a punishment reserved for me for being queer; for not being what the world wanted me to be. and so on that day when they removed the crib that i thought would one day hold you, i became womb-less and actually believed that i was less of a woman because the sum of my parts no longer added to the expected whole woman necessary to bare and raise children.

we have waited a long time for you. every heartbreak along the way has strengthened our Love for you. but before it strengthened us, it broke us into a million shattered pieces. when you Love someone the way i Love your Mami, and you know they want something so wholeheartedly, that every time they don’t get their wish, a piece of your heart experiences necrosis. it dies. it feels unrepairable. and it’s not that i didn’t want it as bad as Mami. it’s that i had already reconciled it in my head that you were no longer a possibility in my body, so i shut that down and hardened my heart. so when Mami and i were ready to start the journey to you, i chose to focus my energies on helping her bring your Light to this world. and each time we received news that we were not pregnant, i witnessed Mami’s pain and i couldn’t place it anywhere but inside of me. i didn’t want her to see my hurt and i felt that i needed to be stronger for her.

when your Mami and i met, one of our first conversations was around raising children. we talked about everything related to this , including and questioning if this was something reserved for “the others.” we struggled with questions around heteronormativity and whether we were trying to assimilate to “them” (as if parenthood is reserved for just one set of people). we struggled with the idea that if we went through with it, we’d have to find an environment where you would be safe and you could thrive and grow, happy and healthy… and safe again.

i feared the church. that place that watched me grow and screamed from the pulpits that i was an abomination. i feared what others said, that our Love was null in front of the eyes of god because “it wasn’t real.” i feared it would show up in places that would affect you and your emotional and spiritual development. i feared you’d hate us, or just hate me because the biology wasn’t there. And well, blood is thick and heavy and it weighs in. but it also flows…

i was immediately on defensive mode thinking that at school you’d be “the weird kids.” i was scared that anyone would harm you, either physically or emotionally. I for sure would catch a case and end up in prison because i already Love you like i have never felt Love before. if anyone even attempts to hurt you i will literally loose my shit. you see, your two little lives, are always be protected by my own and Mami’s as well. you should also know that you are officially covered under the insurance of our Love. that means that no harm will come your way that you are not equipped to handle. that means that you are always protected.

all of these fears, my little big Loves, are just fears based on my upbringing. this world will try to teach you things that you will need to unlearn real quick. i will do my absolute best to make sure you don’t learn those lessons that come from a place of other people’s void or ignorance.

the truth is always in Love.

this world you’re coming into is pretty scary nut beautiful. and it is going to try so fucking hard to show you otherwise. this world will want to make you think you are something other than Loved. some will never see us as Family, some will want to make you think you don’t belong here or you are something different than your peers but i will raise you to know and understand that you are perfect, whole, and complete as you are.

you come from a deeper Love. you come from a place of Hope and Faith. you come from Fight and Struggle. you come from Joy and Peace. your existence is powerful beyond measure. your existence is a revolution all its own. ignore the noise of other people’s fears projected on our lives.

we are Familia. punto.

when your mother told me we were pregnant, i went down on my knees and an overwhelming gratitude filled my entire body. you became not one but two heart beating reminders that fears dissipate when i surrender to Love..

 

#52essays2017

 

matters of the heart

October 30, 2013

tomorrow i get to go the cardiologist. something is happening with my heart. they’ve been running some tests. the ECG showed that my heart is “working twice as hard.” i’m not even sure what that means. i mean, everyone’s heart should work twice as hard given the global state of affairs. but i guess for these purposes, my resting heart rate is too high and dangerous.

i’m in a very intense accelerated nursing program. when i write very intense, i mean to tell you that it’s a program unlike anything else i’ve ever imagined. i mean to tell you that even with a master’s degree (that sits in a closet space somewhere), this has been the most challenging academic experience of my life. it feels like i was dropped of in the middle of a foreign country, where i don’t understand the language, the culture, the geography… and i must learn to navigate. quickly.

so i work. hard. and i sleep. little. and i cry. today i cried… i’m still crying. because i want my heart to be ok. i want school to be ok. i don’t just want to get through this, i want to thrive through this. i hold high expectations of myself (sometimes to the point of self sabotage; which is never healthy).

and for the most part the only ones who “get this” are the amazing thirty-seven brilliant souls i get to walk this journey with. all of whom are dealing with life and its side bars.

there is something to be said about going through a very intense part of your life (academically, professionally or otherwise), adding to the mix your daily living experiences and then the surprise element of “oh shit” (insert any possible thing you were not expecting).

how is it that we do it?

how do we survive when the challenges amount to an almost unbearable point? to that point where you say, “it. is. not. fair.” sometimes even to the point where you question whether the decision you made to answer the call was the right one. the moment you commit to walking in your truth, you can be certain that life will happen exponentially.

i am realizing this: i am here because i am.

i am here because this is exactly where i need to be. in this moment, with these challenges and questions. with these fears and doubts. i am here.

i am an electrical impulse. i am blood and oxygen delivery. i am rhythm and beat.

know that you will take on challenges and challenges will take on you. but if you really want to reach the goal(s) you set, you must accept what the cardiac world calls, “regular irregular.”

allow yourself to experience the fullness of every unexpected moment. it is in the unexpected that we stretch and strengthen the muscle of our core.

inside-heart_1008_990x742

if i am Light

June 25, 2012

i am not here today.
come to think of it, i wasn’t here yesterday either.
not quite sure where i am.
but i’ve been missing my self as of late.

tears sit at the edge of my eyes
they fear the fall
so they hold on to my lashes
until they find their way back into
the pockets of my pupils
my vision drowns

i sit in silence
wanting to hear the message
this moment has for me
i am deafened by its screams

i used to be so full of life and energy
i used to believe in Love more than i believed in gods
i was unstoppable the world was mine to conquer

but time and life have changed that
and i am left to gather from the experiences
to emerge with new wisdom
and a fresh vision

because if i am Light
then i cannot be extinguished

if i am Light
then i must burn

shadow & light

March 10, 2012

seeking clarity
i dive into the darkness
of my Self.

i find my way to the vastness
of these empty doubts.
the air is filled with worry.
i inhale deeply…
my lungs exhausted.

i breathe you in
like oxygen,
like you’re good for me.

i cannot recall a time without you
in my life. you’re like an appendage:
my arms. my legs…
but you have no function
except to make me heavy.
and sad. and disconnected.

i have to find a way out.

loneliness,
i am letting you go today…

so that i may emerge
out of this darkness.

this inner light is too bright
for you to keep dimmed in your shadow.

you must go now.

forsight

March 2, 2012

i wish i had a magic wand
to wave across that maurader’s map
and see if we could, just see
a clearer picture of ourselves.

i wish i had a crystal ball
that spins on an axis
and see if we could, just see
a better image of our souls.

i wish i had a deck of cards
with no jokers, all hearts
and see if we could, just see
a full house of hope.

i wish i had a time machine
that goes back into the future
and see if we could, just see
timeless Love.

i wish i had… the answer to our heart’s insecurities.

locksmith

January 6, 2012

i wish
i wasn’t born
a poet.

instead,
i would’ve
liked to have been
a locksmith.

my entire existence
would be dedicated to
the art of making
and defeating locks.

i’d lock up my sentiments.
secure them in a place
where they’d never be hurt.
no key. just a combination
of infinite numbers written
in braille ’cause Love is blind
and only it would know
how to unlock me.

i’d work on deciphering
combinations.
i’d learn to unlock
fears and insecurities.
i’d work on bringing light
to the darkness of a vaulted
soul and free it from itself.

but i am just a poet
whose safe
is a pen and paper
that unlocks at the simple
turn of a connection.

sentence

October 17, 2011

there was a crime
committed against you.
so horrible, its got you thinking
you are guilty.

you’ve locked yourself up
in a prison of silence.

don’t sentence yourself
to life behind fears.

i will stand here
until you realize
you are free.

and then,
…we can walk out together.

~Sarahí Yajaira, 2011

catching fears

October 5, 2011

silence
is the sound of fear.

how does one let go
of those experiences
that build walls
to keep us safe?

the hurt
lasts longer
when we allow it to
keep us from embracing
a new blessing.

i am learning to listen
to silence. i am also learning
keep quiet. to let myself be
guided by more than words.

gently and quietly,
She slips her unspoken Love
into my pillow case.

…and every night
a dream catches
fears and i hear
the walls cracking.

~Sarahí Yajaira, 2011