“I know God will not give me anything I can’t handle. I just wish He didn’t trust me so much.” ~Mother Teresa

Are you feeling exhausted? I mean, really exhausted. Like, if one more thing should fall on your shoulders you will either cry or burst into rage. And it doesn’t matter that you’re the always-happy-optimistic-you’re-gonna’-change-the-world-kinda’-person because today… today, the world is changing you.

And you say that you don’t want to help another person, or give any more of you because you ain’t got anything left. Yo ‘toy jarta coño! You are feeling crucified at the crossroad. You’ve reach the intersection of i-wish-a-mutha’-f*#@%-would and por-mi-madre-santa-que-si-me-pasa-algo-mas… You feel complete exhaustion. Spiritually, physically, emotionally, and financially, every aspect of your life is being challenged. How can you possibly keep your head up? If you dig any deeper the ground above you will bury you alive.

And so some of us pray. Others chant, meditate, reflect, sing… we find a way to speak to the Universe.

In this moment I pray for Stillness and Peace…

If the Universe brings me to it, it will get me through it.
If the Universe brings me to it, it will get me through it.
If the Universe brings me to it, it will get me through it.

It is ok to say you can’t help anyone right now. It is ok to rest. It is ok to say No. It is ok to cry, to breakdown, to breakup, to surrender to the fact that you are Human. Surrender to the concept that we do not have to be happy all the time or at everyones disposition or available to our family and friends when they need us. We can say NO. I can say NO.

This collection of “things that keep happening” is a reminder to just be still with your Self.

Take care of you right now. Not for a day or a week. Allow yourself ALL the time you need. You cannot possibly care for anyone if you are depleted. Focus your energies on YOU. Pray for YOU. Take care of YOU.

Believe that you deserve a YOU that is healthy in every aspect of your life. That may require surrendering this idea that we need to always be available to those things and those people who “need” us.

When you really look at it, you’re not turning your back on them, you’re turning towards your Self.

This is simply and necessarily Self care.

i need to free my captive tongue.

let it break through the bars of my teeth
and grind out the words i’ve kept inside
for fear that i would offend someone,
i always edit my words.

see when brown and black folk
start screaming
they call us crazy. uneducated. disrespectful.
class-less…

so i swallow the spit.
creating phlegm,
my chest grows tighter
and i can’t breathe.
my bronchitis turns to pneumonia.

do not judge me
for coughing it all up.
’cause ya’ mutha’ fuckas’
do some shit like hold a public office
and tell an entire community
that the way you will heal them
for YOUR mistakes
is by having a fucking taco dinner.

you insensitive, ignorant, hijo e’ puta
you coward. you privileged… white bastard.

i dont’ want your apology.
keep your excuses
y te lo metes’ por el culo.

i want you to step down,
’cause you don’t have the balls to step up
and admit your truth.

when you think that a taco dinner and a trip to puerto rico
show diversity, YOU. ARE. A. FUCKING. RACIST.

(by the way, puerto rico was glad you left)

remember malik jones?
can i get the stats on Latinos arrested
in your community?

you are nothing
short of a cabron.

so i am left
to shove my middle finger
down my throat
and throw up everything i’ve kept inside
’cause i refuse
to keep shitting it out
into the sewers that run
through our cities and underneath us
like water under the bridge…

it’s easier to ignore what you don’t see.

i can easily see what you’ve ignored.

but you are just one of so many more.
who sit in churches . who hold office.
who run corporations and banks.
who speak out your ass…

while we bite our tongues
bleeding anger
onto our chapped lips,
we look rabid because we are
so fucking tired of your bullshit.

and what frustrates me even more
is that your brethren… your kind… your people….
they don’t even call you out on your own hatred.

reflection: tired

October 5, 2011

“i am tired of fighting,” posted a friend on her page.  and i knew exactly what she was feeling. i mean, we truly are “scratchin’ and surviving” ….each. damn. day.

sometimes we are fighting (exerting valued energy) for things that in this day and age, we should NOT be fighting for. some examples include: housing, healthcare, food… you know, the basic necessities for a human being to survive.

and we fight. and fight. for crumbs. and then we fight each other for the crumbs thrown at us. it is literally exhausting.

we try to organize communities only to be met, not by apathy but by exhaustion. the “fight” has been legislated out of them. they believe in nothing and no one because years of advancement can time travel right back with the cast of a vote or the swinging of a wallet.

hell. fucking. yes. you have a right to be exhausted. tired. fed up. and ’bout ready to catch one. ’cause this shit sucks.

but that’s just it. that’s what the powers that be want… for us to just lie down and call it quits. they would love to see is throw in the towel. raise the red flag.

what i’d like to throw is my exhaustion. and i will not raise a red flag when my hand has taken the form of a fist. they are more afraid than we are because they know the power we have. they know, that if we would come together we would be undefeated. they know our collective numbers would crash the market of their egos.

we, together, are the sum of their greatest fear.

so yes, be tired. be exhausted. and then muster all the energy of a fighter who knows that the battle is hardest right before you emerge victorious.

 

~Sarahí Yajaira, 2011