excerpt from “i can’t deny”

November 14, 2010

“If you want to understand any woman you must first ask about her mother and listen carefully… Wistful silences demonstrate unfinished business.  The more a daughter knows the details of her mother’s life–without flinching or whining-the stronger the daughter.”
~The Red Tent, Anita Diamant

I wanted to think that my queerness was the reason my mother and I were not connected.  I thought that would be much “simpler” to get through, than say, the history of the known and unknown.  But the more I kept learning new information, recalling memories and looking at pictures, the more I realized that our disconnection took place long before that day I told her that I was a lesbian.

I believe the umbilical cord strangled this relationship… and though I am not exactly sure when it happened, I know it happened before my birth.

One of the main functions of the umbilical cord is to provide oxygen and nutrients to the fetus.  The umbilical cord is the strongest and most important connection.  Its function continues long after the moment it is cut at birth.  It has this power to pull you back, tug at your heart, and yes, even cut the air right outta’ you.  And when I was born, I believe I cried because I was relieved to get out; because Mami was feeding me her heavy spirit and the oxygen was intoxicating.  This might also explain why I was born six weeks early.

My mother and I have remained connected throughout our entire disconnection.  There are some connections that could never be broken, even in the worst of circumstances.  My mother and I share that connection strongly.  We have struggled through it and because of that struggle; it has become one of the most intense relationships in our lives.

This book is written with one purpose: healing.

We must both accept that we had no control over the events that happened, that we made decisions based on what we felt were the “best” choices at the time and that there was never intent to hurt each other.

Let these words remind her that she is my first Love.  And that has made all the difference in my life.

~Sarahí Almonte, 2010 ©

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One Response to “excerpt from “i can’t deny””

  1. 3B Says:

    I love you…
    You have been put here for a purpose…to let your words be heard…to let your heart be seen…

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