my amen

August 4, 2010

mami, i have something i need to tell you.
you see, when i was a little girl
i loved my dolls. i loved my dolls so much,
i wanted them to be real. 

i wanted to tell you
that when you were putting on your make-up
and trying on a pretty dress…
i loved to watch (i thought you were so beautiful).

i needed to tell you
that when i played with my best friend,
i loved to play house and be the boy.
because i always thought only the boy
could like the girl, the way i did.

i was ashamed, but smiled
when the opportunity came to be in a situation
that allowed me to be incognito in my skin.

i needed to fit in a mold that broke each time i was being forced into it.
my nature betrayed me… gave you glimpses of who i was.
and we fought. and we argued. and we fought.

cause i was never a pretty girl, mom.
i hated the color pink, tea parties and stockings.
cause i was never comfortable in a dress
and felt as though training bras were only good for sling shots.
cause i only liked the boys if we were playing sports…

at six-years-old i knew that” little girls are made from sugar, and spice and everything nice…” cause i kissed one.

i was ashamed, but smiled
when the opportunity came to be in a situation
that allowed me to be incognito in my skin.

and as i grew… so did the desire.
so did your disappointment. so did your shame.

i became more confident. you became angrier.
i accepted my truth. you denied my freedom.
i ran away from you. you turned away from me.

and told me that your god would unleash his wrath.

but mami, i need to tell you more…
you need to know that when i am in her arms, i feel as though i am in heaven.
that her spirit is holy.
that her love is what i imagine god’s kisses to feel like.
that when she holds me, it’s as if angels are singing the sweetest song.

that i have never felt closer to god’s love, than when i am with her. that she is my amen.

…and mami, i still think you are beautiful and god still loves me.

Sarahi Yajaira, 2010

Writer’s Note: For my friend, MD… we are beautifully and wonderfully created.”

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5 Responses to “my amen”

  1. Roselyn Says:

    SPEECHLESS!!!!!

  2. Mayra Santiago-Polanco Says:

    Just wanted to let you know that “I” understand even if many don’t. It’s an awesome poem! It’s beautiful to write about things that makes us whole…Good job and keep up the good work…Love you!


  3. It is a cruel joke that we have to wear bras! 😉 I cried when I had to wear one and when I got my period! But alas, here we are. Love ya, baby!
    xoxo

  4. ileana Says:

    hey i l0ve diz writing, keep writing u r una inspirasion para muchas nenas como nosotras!

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